Biranda

(c) Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.

Seeking a spot of serenity somewhere in the universe, I recently booked a deep-discount dodgy berth on the ‘White Elephant Express Space Shuttle’, to a little known place in a galaxy far, far away.

“IT” (otherwise known as HD 36405.b) is not your average “oddball” exo-solar planet made of rock that wobbles on its end and zips around a nearby star in less than 2.46 days.

Most linear thinkers have a great deal of difficulty even comprehending why on earth anyone in their “right mind” would be interested in visiting a planet called “IT”. Not being a linear thinker with an investment in the “right” answer, I didn’t give a hoot. After all, what does one (who walks on water and listens to miffed mortals all day long) do for a frigging night off, now I ask you?

If truth be told, (after reading random excerpts from “The Itty Bitty Bunkum Book About Life, the Universe and Practically Everything Under the Sun Not To Mention Stuff Going On In Remote Galaxies), I was simply delirious. According to its noted author, Dr. Jarn Leffer, “IT is a ‘must-see’ for those with little time on their hands and a passionate interest in Innocuous Things.”

As planets go, “IT” is a pretty ho-hum celestial pit-stop with perhaps one exception… the welcome notice that reads, “Cosmic Cowboys – Welcome to the furthest unexplored outreaches of the Galaxy … Home to the Flop Fairy and Oodles of Gadflies!”

“IT” is populated by colonies of giggling, green grasshoppers . What else would you expect to inhabit a far-flung, fantasy-challenged hellhole like this? But, what made “IT” strictly speaking a strange place was the fact that the inhabitants munch on green, biodegradable garbage bags just for fun. Lacking masticating capabilities, the gadflies process their food by vigorously jumping up and down on it. No wonder they have no need for fast-food franchises, strip malls or landfills!

Anyway, I picked up this picturesque postcard of the blessed ballyhooing buglugs. They look perfectly happy but don’t be deceived. In reality, they’re just a gang of glad-handing grasshoppers. They don’t play golf, eat burgers, or drink beer — and none can frost a rock! Come to think of it, apart from the company of bugs and the elusive flop fairy, this pathetic planet has precious little going for IT!!

To put “IT” bluntly, life on “IT” is just shy of a tittynope*. The jolly green grasshoppers and the carefully manicured green fairways with sand traps as far as the eye can see certainly make for an utterly harmless world. Regrettably, without a pair of golf clubs, a dimpled white ball, and the notion that 19th hole even exists on this planet — “IT” is about as fun as bag of toads!

Life Lesson 42: Remember to talk to your travel agent before ever embarking on a flight of fancy to a planet called “IT” in a galaxy named “Have-a-Nice-Day”!!

__________

*”Tittynope” for you whiffling word-peckers means “a small quantity of anything left over”.

If you want to know what those green, glad-handing grasshoppers from “IT” look like — ask any four-year old, or failing that request some help from a Flying Saucer Club member.

About the Author

Theolonius McTavish is a somewhat spaced-out time-traveller (of minor relevance and importance in the great scheme of things). When not probing odd things happening somewhere in the depths of the universe, he enjoys chinwagging with all manner of merry folk at www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com

Viagra; latin-ish for re-enforce, derived from the Greek veristrong
Viagra also means metasplint; meta from the Greek hidden and splint from the English/American splint.
Yes, you all heard of it, but where did it come from?
This is a question that is often asked of me at the bridge club.

Originally, Viagra was a broad term to describe all forms of re-enforcement, but mainly used to provide some support to the tent poles of nomads. High winds such as the Mistral could snap the main support beam of a dwelling in two, and with impunity. The tent and its contents could easily be found scattered around the continent and was as much of an eyesore than it was a pointless loss of life.

Anyway, a clever little man familiar with the intricacies of tent structures, decided to take a masterful stance and arranged various money tails (post rigor mortis ) lengthways along a tent pole, and bound the lot together with shoelaces.
That year, it was the only erect tent north of the equator and he was even instrumental in the construction of the Golden Gate Bridge and the Eiffel Tower. Another project of some fame was implementing wind resilience strategies, to the arm of the Statue of Liberty.
Hercule Phallus and his team of self-promoting goat herders were up late that year.

The Industrial Revolution brought with it, monies to expand any monkey business, and Hercule was given a limitless credit card account. With this money along with some personal consultation fees, he invented, tested and patented “the splint”. Still used today, splints are a God-send to many women bereft of marital support and its implications.
With the advent of plastics, Hercule could see a strong future in more discreet methods of his trade. He invented a product not unlike “car fillers”, which could be applied sparingly or liberally to anything, and after activation by a catalyst, would stiffen instantly.
Gone were the days of unsightly concrete beams, monkey tails, support wires and post-coital sutures!

He deduced that if he could somehow shift the strengthening factors from outside an object, to within it, he could retire to Florida.
He manipulated a few governments into supplying more grant aid and more personnel. Personnel, he impressed on them, would supply better feedback and more accurate results to his experiments than any form of stick, bridge or arm.
Like all revolutionary research, there was some collateral damage, necessary amputations, and disgruntled unions. “The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few” (loose Turkish translation) he quipped as he made a complete mess of one mans ears which were previously floppy by nature. “Ears, like Stars, should have a point” (loose translation, again), he said and the jury agreed.
The jury though, could not see the logic in driving nails and screws into other “laboratory rats” but gave him the benefit of the doubt, and a round of applause.

This is not a well-known fact since Hercule Phallus’s experimental records were purged, but he was also commissioned to do something about the rather soft taste of James Bond’s drink, and transformed it into an exceptionally stiff Martini.

Hercule was a far-seeing man with a vision (a side-effect of having eyes) and could see the day when he would own a pharmaceutical company (because he would need it). He went on to marry a soft-spoken girl from Hard Rock, Nevada by the name of “Running Nose” (native Indian). Though one of his marriage vows stated that he would never, ever, experiment on anyone close to him, Running Nose changed her name to “Nasal Trail” and developed a curious but coarse accent.
Hercule Phallus, eventually died of hardened arteries and is missed by his children Tough Stuff, Tungsten Trollop, Diamond Deirdre, Rigid Ricky, Hardened Henry, and his adopted child, Malleable Mary. Nasal Trail resumed her fluid properties with respect to her nose and her larynx.

We all owe this legend. For without his genius, the Statue of Liberty would not be as high, and couldn’t possibly keep a torch, up. The Eiffel Tower would have bent to the North and became an Arch of some sort.

About the Author

Thick Mick is an “expert” on History with www.TheTrivialTimes.com
Please forgive him, his many memory inconsistencies. He does his best.